Summer love

Today, one of my young neighbors got out of the car that had been picking her up and dropping her off all summer long in such a huff that I thought the passenger side window was going to shatter from being slammed with such vigor. Clearly, summer love is over. There was a lot of, "no, you listen to ME" and "I don't care what you have to say!" - naturally, I pretended to weed in order to eavesdrop. I'm like that and I don't know why. The misery of others, the knowledge that my life is boring and simple, the humor in a teenage fight..yeah, it all brings me great joy. I am sure I was smiling from ear to ear.

She totally saw me spying.

<<<BUSTED>>>

"Can I help you?!" Ah! She was sooo rude and snobby. At first I thought...uh, rude (like what I just said)! Then I thought, no...speedy comeback time. "Actually. You can. I need some help with all these weeds. Thanks to the rain, this yard is a mess!"

"I dislike yard work." (Hmm, you apparently don't dislike having a fight in public...)

"Well, if you reconsider, I will still be here, weeding away, all night, and probably tomorrow, too."

"Trust me, I won't!" (front door opened and slammed shut...this chick has some issues. Quit slamming doors!!)

Crisis averted. I haven't been caught snooping in a long time. I wear sunglasses so I can spy without getting busted (except the day I out the clear lenses in and forgot...that was interesting). Ah, well.

While I was in the yard, I did notice that, after 4 years of being planned, my oleander is finally deciding to bloom. It's pink...who knew?!

In other news, they are developing the plot of land by our house. This means a few things. First off, I have to listen to the tearing down of trees on a daily basis, which upsets me because I love the trees by our home. Second, there are TWO TOWERS of cement blocks to be used as a foundation (our house has the same ones) at the top of the property. It looks like a kids fort or a really ugly castle. Finally, and perhaps the most annoying reason of all, I get to look at a port-o-potty outside my house. It's 90-100 degrees here in the summer (well, now) and the smell wafting from that thing is enough to make even the most iron-clad stomach twist. Now I know how I sound: whiny. I don't hate people (eh, yes I do) and the prospect of having new neighbors is nice (somewhat), but the construction process is always messy, half-assed, and inconvenient. Here are a few pics:

Castle Cinderblock

Good morning, world! Let's go pee outside...and smell it from the house!

Have a wonderful day, everyone! Go forth and eavesdrop!!!

Questions

I've been thinking so much about life's disgusting, rude, and inappropriate questions. I think it is important that I share these thoughts with you.
1) How is poop so large? How does it fit in your intestines? I know the experts say that if you uncoiled your large and small intestines they could stretch 30 yards or something like that, but wow. All that in such a small area. Poop is weird, you know? Do you ever feel like, after you poop, you get this incredible relief from the inside? Maybe it's just me. I love to poop. I feel the same way about farts.
1a) Why do you poop okra seeds? How about corn? It's like your turds have polka dots.
Ok...enough poop talk.
2) Why do girls think it is ok to wear leggings as pants? Leggings are not pants...they are leggings. If I can see the cellulite through your tights (because that's essentially what they are...thick tights), you need to cover up. A long shirt, a dress, shorts, whatever it takes. Pants are pants. Leggings are leggings. Wear them as they were meant to be worn.
3) Ever eat cheese that had mold on it that you scraped off so you could save the cheese?
4) Let's go back to farts. I think that men who don't think women fart are idiots. Seriously? Women don't fart? Oh, I suppose they don't breathe or drink water either. Everyone farts!
5) Why do people think it is necessary to have a riding lawn mower to cut a patch of grass that could fit inside of a hot tub?
6) Am I the only one who thinks it is rude to talk on your totally stupid, blue tooth headset while at the doctor's office, grocery store, post office, or other public place? I don't care about your friend, Shirley, or how long it took you to pick out the kind of pizza you wanted for dinner, or gaaaaawd, the kind of tampons your wife asked you to buy.
7) On television, why are most cops, detectives, etc. all super duper fit and super duper good looking? That's not life. Most cops, at least the ones I know (with the exception of a very few) are overweight, average looking, and couldn't stand in front of a fan to blow their hair all around if they wanted to...
8) I think it is amazing that a woman can pee all over a toilet seat. We don't have the ability to aim, yet they manage to get loads of dribbles on the toilet seat. Would it kill these chicks to wipe the seat off? It IS their urine, after all.

Are you grossed out by these things? I clearly am not. It is important that we discuss these things in depth, or else we will be subjected to a solitary search of the internet (where looking for something like "rash on elbow" instantly indicates scabies, skin cancer, or an infected llama bite <<but I wasn't even in CONTACT with a llama!!>>).

Do you have ay disgusting questions you often wonder about or would appreciate an answer to eventually? Let's talk about them!

A zazzy look into the life of a misguided 30-something: Family Vacations and Weight Watchers

A zazzy look into the life of a misguided 30-something: Family Vacations and Weight Watchers: Weight Watchers is killing me. Perhaps this is how people lose weight...they slowly die from the inside out. I am not sure, but I can tell ...

Family Vacations and Weight Watchers

Weight Watchers is killing me. Perhaps this is how people lose weight...they slowly die from the inside out. I am not sure, but I can tell you, if I have to consume one more cucumber, carrot, grape or apple, I believe I will spontaneously combust (or just die from embarrassment when the gigantic fart that's been building inside of me for days finally hhits). I am making progress, however. I have been going for 2 weeks and I am down a solid 3 pounds. For this Cheeto-loving, chocolate chip-eating, extra sweet coffee drinker, that's pretty good. My friend, Sandy, has been a real inspiration with the WW thing - she's almost 100 pounds down! HOW FREAKING AWESOME IS THAT!? 

I will admit, I was a bad girl at the beach as evidenced here:

Me and party-sized bag of "yum"

Party sized Cheetos? Seriously? Yes. Party of one: me. So sad. But so delicious. I believe this what English buffs refer to as a "catch 22". Side note: polka dots are your BFF when it comes to hiding a kangaroo pouch like the one I have hidden behind the Cheetos.

But I digress. My goal: to lose 25 pounds by Christmas. It will happen. I am sure I will be a miserable wretch but I am going to do it. OK. Enough of that. I just needed to whine.

In case you're wondering where I have been, the answer is simple: my sweet family came down to SC to visit me! What a great time we had! We hung around Greenville, ate barbeque, went to Charleston, saw a baseball game, played mini-golf, went on a Charleston harbor cruise, did some boogie boarding at the beach and managed to survive the 100+ degree weather! It was extra fun - we usually don't get visitors, so it's always nice when your favorite people come out of hiding to play. Here's a pic of my brothers and another of the three of us. Cuties, are we not?

Super, awesome little brothers

the three amigos

 I managed to get stung by a jellyfish. That sucker got me on both legs, my neck and my wrist. Jeez, did that hurt. I didn't think I was capable of running out of the water as fast as I did (seriously, I had to quit water aerobics because it was "too hard").  But out I ran. As I made it to land, I was swearing to myself (shit, shit, shit, shit!!), located my wallet, and scraped those skin-tearing barbs out of my legs with a credit card (they may have no available space for purchases, but they were good for something!). Off to the lifeguard station for a spray of vinegar and viola! Back in the water I went. 

While the sting was still, eh, stinging, Peter and I did manage to pass the time appropriately:

We rounded out our trip to Charleston with a harbor cruise - very neat! We cruised around Fort Sumter, looked at old naval vessels, saw dolphins and a bunch of other neat sights. Here is a view from under the Ravenel Bridge:

When we were back in Greenville, Andrew made wishes in a downtown fountain. I hope they come true!

I think everyone had a great time. I know I did. And you may be asking yourself about my sweet, adorable husband. Where was he on this vacation? Well, when you are a teacher (as several of my friends know), there is no rest for you. He was at home prepping lectures, writing notes, preparing the almighty syllabi and enjoying some quiet. He was definitely missed!

If you can't say something nice...

This saying is usually followed up with something simple like, "then don't say anything at all" or something more snappy like, "then you're in good company". Today, I might need to have my vocal cords severed; I'm being downright mean.

Have you even wanted to punch a co-worker in the throat? Imagined how great it would be if you told other co-workers to shut the <<bleep>> up because the sound of their voice was making you want to get run over by a bus? Wanted to tell the woman talking to you a little too closely that her smelly breath was about to kill you? Fought the urge to pick up a screaming, bratty kid and drop them off the second floor balcony at the mall? Wished you approached the gross young couple groping each other in the park and smacked their heads together so they'd get bloody noses and stop licking each other's faces? Thought about how awesome it would be to trip someone who made you mad and enjoy the 2 seconds of fear on their faces as they fell to the ground? Dreamed about saying 'no' when your boss asked you to do something you deemed stupid or a waste of time and then told them to leave your office because you were really busy playing online games? Contemplated popping the tire of the jerk who cut you off at the gas station, pulling in the wrong way so he had to pull the hose aaaaaaall the way over the top of his car?

No? Hmm. Maybe it IS just me.

Hence, today, I will sit in my office and keep quiet. I am bound to say something I'll regret (or the way I say something will undoubtedly come out wrong) and I will feel bad for the rest of the day. I am hateful on the inside, but I also have a heck of a conscious. Oh, and I am Catholic, so I carry EXTRA guilt around with me 24/7.

In other, less hateful, news, I started doing Weight Watchers. I was asked when I was going to have my baby (payback perhaps for the beach-bashing???) and when I announced I was NOT pregnant, the question was immediately rebutted with, "how many weeks postpartum" I was...EEK. Not good. So, thanks to my awesome BFF, I am on my way to losing some weight. I've got a 20 pound weight loss goal before Christmas. I think I can do it. I hope I can do it. I can't start punching pregnant people who ask me "when I'm due". Therefore, I need to work my tail off.
Last night, I tried a recipe for "healthy cookies" which I really thought was going to be the most disgusting concoction known to (wo)man. They were DELICIOUS!!! This recipe was on a card that I got from my wedding (7 years ago) and I FINALLY decided to make them.

They are easy:
--2 ripe, mashed bananas
--1 cup of oats (quick cook or rolled)
--a handful (or half a bag, whatever) of chocolate chips, raisins, nuts, etc.
 Mash bananas in a bowl, stir in oats and add "extras".
Bake at 350 for 15 minutes.
They look like this:

I was pleasantly surprised (so surprised that I ate 6 cookies...this was NOT a surprise). Even Randy liked them. 

Time for coffee, more "healthy cookies" and more coffee. Let's hope I am feeling a little less snarky tomorrow.

Nah, that wouldn't be any fun.

Beach babes

Do you like to go to the beach? If so, you probably go for one of the following reasons: to get a bitchin' tan, to play in the ocean, to "get away" from everything, or maybe even because you want to soak up some of the sandy nightlife. I have to agree...all of those reasons are on my list. But the real reason I enjoy the beach so much?? PEOPLE WATCHING! My ideal beach day includes a sunny, warm, breezy one, with plenty of snacks in my cooler, my SPF 50, a beach chair and TONS of people. People are the most bizarre of all God's creatures. More strange than the Meerkat, more awkward than the sloth, and definitely funnier than your family pet.

Saturday was a particularly glorious people watching day, most likely because they have had rain in Charleston, SC for what seemed like MONTHS and this was a really perfect day for the beach. There wasn't a cloud in the sky, the water was warm and the beautiful breeze I desired was blowing sweetly over my hairy legs (don't ask). My friends and I drove down to the shore extra early, set up camp and waited. At first, things were slow, but then...whoa...then they got amazing!

Now you know as well as I know that the beach is no place to be worried about how amazing (or NOT amazing) you look in a bikini! There are all kinds of bodies: big ones, small ones, fat ones, long ones, super obese bodies, bodies that need to eat at a buffet, hairy, smelly, dirty, fit, pale, tan, and burnt bodies...seriously...EVERY KIND! The beach does not discriminate. What I WISH would happen is that the people involved in picking out the outfits for said beach patrons (or the dressing room attendants, or the children of, or the significant others/friends of the guilty**) would pull them to the side and say, "EEEEEKKKKK!!! What the hell?! You cannot wear that!!!". But they don't. So the door is open. And I gladly accept the invitation to giggle at their expense. And say what you will about me. You know you are guilty of doing the same crap, so get off your high horse and laugh a little.

Ah, our first sight! We will call this woman "socks". "Socks" was wearing her husband's button up work shirt, a fancy beach hat, socks and sandals (my least favorite combination). Well, the sandals came off, but guess what? The socks didn't! She yelled at her husband in the socks, ate an ear of corn in the socks and even went down to the waves in her socks. Eventually, she took them off...I assume once her toes started rubbing together with sand. People are bizarre. If she was wearing them for burn protection or something, how about water shoes? Not mid-shin, white work socks.

Then came this interesting family. Everyone's bathing suits were 2 sizes too small. It was almost tragic and I felt sorry for them. But, not to my surprise, they were all pumped about how amazing they looked. This might have been the mom. If her suit crawled any further up her butt cheeks, someone would have needed to use a dandelion picker to wedge it out of there. The family also brought a WHOLE watermelon to the shore...not a cut watermelon...a whole one. So. Weird.

Two-toned chest hair man was also funny.Totally reminds me of someone who would have been (maybe) super hot in the 70s and was trying to carry all that over to the now. Ick, dude.

Photo credit: my awesome pal, KKW!

Finally, people who think that women are the only ones who embarrass themselves in public with their summer suit choices are crazy. Men are guilty, too! My favorite was this fella - thought he was the cat's pajamas (it means he thought he was really cool). When you are, in reality, a 36" waist, please don't buy a 28" suit. Sheesh! Muffin tops can strike anyone at any time...no one is safe.

If you ever want a buddy to assist in beach gawking, let me know! I am always down for a day of fun. And hey, I will even make sandwiches! 

** and yes, I realize I have NO room to talk. I do, however, extend a tremendous effort to remain covered and decent. Hopefully, I am the talk of someone's blog postings. That would make me an internet sensation! Holla!

Ps. I had some amazing pictures from the weekend which my husband advised me to not post. If you see me, just ask to see them. I will share at will!

Pps. Sorry, husband, I couldn't resist. 

Craigslist

Last night, I went on Craigslist looking for a used dresser to put in my closet so I can store some t-shirts. I stumbled across the most HILARIOUS posts. Maybe I'm living in the dark ages, but I had no idea there were singles ads on there! Wow, there was some awful, funny, awfully funny, pathetic and just plain bizarre stuff out there. Here are a few of my favorites:

AD: Single male looking for skinny/petete lady to pet, pamper,go places,& do things with, for ltr. I have every thing we need "except you' and I'm financeially secure to have a great life !.I enjoy all normal things and travel. I am not a sports Fanantic like most men. I want to enjoy my mate and being with my mate doing things together. 

For starters, you do NOT have everything you need "except you". You need a dictionary, spell check, and the ability to post a 3 sentence singles ad without grammatical errors. Your perfect mate will have lots of work to do on you.

AD: Going on vacation in a week and I want to hook up with someone before I go. I am extremely good looking, fit and all around amazing. You need to be very petite, clean, cute and discrete. Do not be younger than 19 or older than 23. Your pic gets mine. 

If you have to advertise for wanting to hook up, you must not be everything you say you are. I am sure you're practically deformed, toothless, and a class-A LOSER. Wait until you go on vacation - or better yet, take a cold shower, Romeo.

 AD: Do you like massages? I am a white man who is looking for a woman to give a soft gentle massage to help you relax!! You will not be disappointed. 

This is just plain creepy. He posts every day. Guess what, dude? No one wants to take you up on your gross offer.

AD: Tired of all the drama of dating sites. I'm looking for someone to text and build a friendship off of that, which could turn into more. I prefer 18-26yr women. Race is open and I like bbws. Please reply back with your favorite color in the subject line and also include a picture. No fakes or spammers.  

Ugh, where do I begin? I am not sure what "bbws" stands for (this might not be a bad thing). Who wants to start a relationship via text message? Maybe you're tired of the dating sites because they are stupid. Get off your ass and meet people. Then you can TALK to them face-to-face. What a novel concept.

AD: do you think you have a nice ass? I think im a pretty good judge of nice butts. ladies send your pics and the best one gets a free 30 min massage. I'll email the winner and ..... NO guys! no bbw.. no ***** shots.. just a booty pic. Have a great week! 

Disgusting. And who the hell answers these weirdos??? Clearly no one because this guy has been posting every day for the last month. Hands to yourself, dude.


ANOTHER GOLDMINE IS THE "MISSED CONNECTIONS" SITE!

I am laughing with every post I read. Are these people complete idiots? Who goes on Craigslist to discuss the "hottie they met at the bank" or "the fella with braces behind me in line at the gas station"???? "oh, I hope you feel the same way". This is a hoot! Here are my favorites from the last week:

AD: Really hot cashier working tonight at the Lil Cricket! Would love to get to know you even if just as friends! Message me with your name 

AD: I know this is crazy, but I can't talk to you in the lunch crowd! You work in fast food on Haywood Rd and have short blonde hair. I am a middle aged male with brown hair. I come in during lunch at least twice a week usually with another woman. We exchanged double glances and smiles when you re-filled my tea. I could not take my eyes off of you and I didn't want to walk away. Sounds so cliché...but this really is a missed connection that doesn't happen very often. I am reminded of the James Blount song, "Beautiful"

AD:  You're the supervisor on the bending side of the plant we both work at. I know you see me staring at you constantly. Whew, I can't help it. lol. You are so hot! I would love to get to know you, and hang out. or hell might have a quickie in the bathroom at work too. Just touch me already. haha. :) I hope you see this. Reply back with a picture and proof its you. 
 
Oh, God. Those are making me laugh so hard my belly is hurting. Take a few minutes out of your day today and read some of these postings in your area. Do you have a favorite? Share it!



PS. I didn't find a dresser.

Hair-do, hair-don't

Ugh, Piggy (me) needs Cheetos.

Yesterday was an insane day. People will tell me, "geez, it seems like this crazy stuff only happens to you..". Well, it does. I am VERY nice and sometimes that makes for an easy target. Or, maybe it's just that I am too sensitive and people don't mean to say things the way I take them. Whatever the reason, I find I frequently have a story to share.

As I sit here and devour this orangy goodness like a savage, I will tell you all about yesterday and the haircut.

I needed a haircut in the worst kind of way - I was overdue by maybe 3-4 months. Fortunately my hair is long, but not TOO long, so I am having a hard time pulling off that "Little House on the Prairie", hipster, college broad look. I just looked like I needed a haircut. I found a place not too far away from my house earlier this year and they gave me a good haircut last time, so I called them up to see if I could get in for a trim. Yep. Got an appointment. Sweet.

I arrived early and they took me early (SCORE). "Come on back...". So I went, over to the sink where she was. A HUGE SIGH..."UUGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...did you want your hair washed????" Um, hell yes, I do. I worked all day and want someone to massage my scalp for a few seconds. "Oh, um, no. I guess I don't...". She told me some crap about not being able to see the ends of my hair when they are wet vs being able to when they are dry. Can any of my stylist friends confirm this? I digress.

I take my seat and prepare for the dry cut and think I am hallucinating. "Do you use heat protector when you straighten your hair?" Um, is she talking to me? "No, I haven't straightened my hair in over 2 years...I blow dry on cold and use a brush to make it straight...", clearly thinking this would suffice. "Well, it is NOT working for you. You need to use a heat protector because your hair is breaking off and looking not too great. And WHEW! All these gray hairs! Have you ever contemplated coloring???" Now I am mad. I like my gray hair (no I don't, that's total BS, but I am going with it. I am too lazy, cheap - ok, broke - and nervous to color it, so I decided about 2 years ago that I wasn't going to. Randy likes it, he says it gives me character and when your hunky hubs likes it, well, then, whatever).

It was literally a 20 minute question barrage. Everything from, "what kind of brush do you use?" "I don't know...a brush..." SIIIIGGGHHHH!!! There are 4 different kinds of brushes...what kind do YOU use? (grabs 4 brushes from her drawer) This one? This one?" "Mmmmm...one like that..." "Well, this is NOT working for you!" to, "Your heat protector is not doing its job..." "Yeah, that's probably because I don't use one..." "WHAT!!!??? Your hair could be a lot more healthy looking if you did." Probably true, but I don't give a crap.

She doesn't want me to blow dry my hair or put it in a pony tail. I was also instructed to use some $200 oil AND a $100 heat protector that will, "if you're super lucky, last 2 months". Let's face it. I am not going bald. I have thin hair that is starting to get gray. I do not have the producers from the commercials for Pantene Pro-V beating down my door, pleading with me to share my hair with humanity. It is, however, clean, always brushed and somewhat healthy.

Bottom line: I need a new stylist. My last stylist never had an appointment available and this one wants me to sell my soul to some random god of hair-care and damage prevention. Not going to happen. All I want is for someone to wash my hair, ask me how my day was, cut off my split ends, tell me I look like a million bucks and then say "good bye!". Is that too much to ask??? Clearly it is. Given situations like this, I find it hard to believe that the Flowbee never took off.



Source:
YouTube (link embedded in post)

Sayōnara

I am known for 2 things in my neighborhood: 1) being the crazy woman whose man-eating dogs are always getting loose and 2) for having really pretty flowers. Milly and Pip do get out sometimes, and I do have really nice flowers, so I guess you can say both things are true. Usually, my roses are stunning: bright red, plentiful, and always nicely overgrown. This year, however, I am at war with my least favorite of all insects: the Japanese beetle.

I can remember being a little tot and my grandmother would outfit my brother and me with some old-fashioned equipment to go "beetle hunting" to "teach those dishere beetles a lesson". If you knew my gram or if she was your gram, too, then you distinctly remember her famous phrase, "dishere". She was pretty cool. Every summer, our job was to spend a few minutes a few times a day beetle-slaying. I loved this job. We would rid her roses, pussy willows, fruit trees and grapevines of these little beasts. Today, I am going to teach you how to do it. You need 3 things:

1: An empty can of vegetables, fruit cocktail or pork n' beans (or whatever)
2: Some gasoline
3: A keen eye for killing

Directions:
Carefully open can, leaving enough metal around the rim so the top doesn't completely come off. Eat contents of can (lest we be wasteful), rinse and let it dry.

Next, go to the garage (or wherever you keep your gasoline) and fill the can about 1/2 way.

Then, go to the nearest bush, tree, or vine, look for beetles and gently tap those hungry little bastards in the gasoline. They will attempt to swim, then curl into a little ball and croak...the way nature intended. Want to eat my roses down to the stem?! CHOKE ON THIS!

VICTORY IS MINE!

 (beetle on top and "too ambitious of a push into the can dead rosebud" on bottom)

You will find that within a few weeks, your flowers will start to look beautiful again. I still have a LONG way to go (Randy originally suggested getting a Japanese beetle trap...um, no) but they look better each day.

Reclaim your flowers, vegetables, grapes and other fruit!!! Kill those beetles Grandma T. style!!!