Stu, the Segway riding rent-a-cop

Tonight was, well, blog-worthy. Really, bitch-worthy, but I'll settle for online griping. I love to walk. In fact, it is nothing for me to walk 10, 12, 14 miles. I used to run, but plantar fasciitis got me at the beach a few years ago and, since then, I have turned my attention to the thrill of the walk.

I like to hunt for trails and walking paths while I am "on the road" for work but I haven't been lucky on this trip. There are lots of nice neighborhoods to walk in though. And this is how my tale begins.

I wanted to walk somewhere where I could clock my mileage, not get run over, and have things to look at while I cruised. I figured out my path on my iPad and drove to the spot. I parked in a school parking lot, crossed the street, and began my 9 mile jaunt. 

How pleasant! Homes were beautiful, the yards were perfectly maintained, people were out walking their dogs or running; it was nice. I was about 6 miles in, feeling good, and sweating up a storm (it was about 100 degrees today). Then I heard a lawnmower? No... A leaf blower? No... Oh dear god, a Segway. I thought, who the hell walks the neighborhood on a Segway?! Doesn't that defeat the purpose? Then it happened. He wasn't walking...he was patrolling. 

"Can I help you?" I said, "not unless you would like to walk for me." He chuckled this smart ass chuckle and said, "oh, I wasn't being serious. What is your business in our neighborhood?" 

Is this guy for real???? He was honestly waiting for a response. Oh, Jesus, he IS serious!! "I'm just out for a walk. Is that alright?" "No, actually, it isn't. You are trespassing!" 

Isn't a neighborhood (that isn't gated) a public place? I thought streets were public. Perhaps I was wrong. Clearly, in the eyes of Stu the dweeb on the Segway, I was wrong. 

He actually wrote me a trespassing note!!! Then he followed it up with some nonsense about how I was not allowed back in the neighborhood unless I purchased a home. Um, whaaaaaat??!! I don't like you, Stu. You need a major life. When your Friday night consists of cruising the 'hood on a Segway looking for people who don't live there, that's just weird. So I was all pout faced, took my handwritten note of trespassing, and went back to my car. Oh, I was mad. 

I couldn't wait to floor it out of the school. I did a small stretch prior to getting in the car, hopped in the driver's seat, and tucked my left leg under my butt. What the hell stinks so bad? Is this a bruise? Oh no. No bruise. Dog crap. Sometime in between walking around a nice neighborhood and getting scolded by rent-a-cop Stu, I stepped in fresh dog crap, and then smeared it all over my leg, shorts, sock, and car seat. It was a lousy ride home to begin with and it also reeked of doggie poop. Super. Juuuuuust super. 

I would have posted a picture of the trespass note, but guess what I used to clean said dog shit from my messy self? Hey, I didn't have any napkins...