Stu, the Segway riding rent-a-cop

Tonight was, well, blog-worthy. Really, bitch-worthy, but I'll settle for online griping. I love to walk. In fact, it is nothing for me to walk 10, 12, 14 miles. I used to run, but plantar fasciitis got me at the beach a few years ago and, since then, I have turned my attention to the thrill of the walk.

I like to hunt for trails and walking paths while I am "on the road" for work but I haven't been lucky on this trip. There are lots of nice neighborhoods to walk in though. And this is how my tale begins.

I wanted to walk somewhere where I could clock my mileage, not get run over, and have things to look at while I cruised. I figured out my path on my iPad and drove to the spot. I parked in a school parking lot, crossed the street, and began my 9 mile jaunt. 

How pleasant! Homes were beautiful, the yards were perfectly maintained, people were out walking their dogs or running; it was nice. I was about 6 miles in, feeling good, and sweating up a storm (it was about 100 degrees today). Then I heard a lawnmower? No... A leaf blower? No... Oh dear god, a Segway. I thought, who the hell walks the neighborhood on a Segway?! Doesn't that defeat the purpose? Then it happened. He wasn't walking...he was patrolling. 

"Can I help you?" I said, "not unless you would like to walk for me." He chuckled this smart ass chuckle and said, "oh, I wasn't being serious. What is your business in our neighborhood?" 

Is this guy for real???? He was honestly waiting for a response. Oh, Jesus, he IS serious!! "I'm just out for a walk. Is that alright?" "No, actually, it isn't. You are trespassing!" 

Isn't a neighborhood (that isn't gated) a public place? I thought streets were public. Perhaps I was wrong. Clearly, in the eyes of Stu the dweeb on the Segway, I was wrong. 

He actually wrote me a trespassing note!!! Then he followed it up with some nonsense about how I was not allowed back in the neighborhood unless I purchased a home. Um, whaaaaaat??!! I don't like you, Stu. You need a major life. When your Friday night consists of cruising the 'hood on a Segway looking for people who don't live there, that's just weird. So I was all pout faced, took my handwritten note of trespassing, and went back to my car. Oh, I was mad. 

I couldn't wait to floor it out of the school. I did a small stretch prior to getting in the car, hopped in the driver's seat, and tucked my left leg under my butt. What the hell stinks so bad? Is this a bruise? Oh no. No bruise. Dog crap. Sometime in between walking around a nice neighborhood and getting scolded by rent-a-cop Stu, I stepped in fresh dog crap, and then smeared it all over my leg, shorts, sock, and car seat. It was a lousy ride home to begin with and it also reeked of doggie poop. Super. Juuuuuust super. 

I would have posted a picture of the trespass note, but guess what I used to clean said dog shit from my messy self? Hey, I didn't have any napkins...

Dumb things kid say

I probably shouldn't be advertising this, but I have not been able to contain my disdain for the unintelligent, careless questions students ask representatives of colleges. I will keep my school's name protected (I seriously fear losing my job) as well as the locations where said encounters happen.  I can tell you, however, that no matter where I travel, there are almost as many awful inquiries as there are intelligent ones. Sad, but true.

Here are my favorites from this last week:

1) which one of the Californias is your school located in?
**which one of the Californias? You know he meant to say "Carolinas" but, whether nerves got the best of him or he just misspoke, he asked about the Californias. Upon being corrected, he told me that it didn't matter because I knew what he meant and "were you trying to embarrass me, ma'am, because it didn't work." Um, no, you little squirt, I was not trying to embarrass you. I wanted to give you the correct information, let you know I heard your blunder (because I was doing something called LISTENING) and to give you a lesson in American geography: there is only one California.

2) (this was asked by a parent) Why would someone spend all that money going to college only to wind up doing something unrespectable like...like...this (implying college admissions)?
**unrespectable???? Wow. Why would I choose a career in college admissions? Oh, I don't know, because I like it, it is a fun job where I can make a difference in someone's future, oh, and because I can directly impact your kid's admissions decision to this college?? Sheesh! Be careful what you say and who you say it to. I'm not vindictive (and ethically I wouldn't do it) but there are counselors out there who would put a note in a student's file over a comment like this.

3) Is your school really hard? Did you get all those grey hairs from your classes?
**this needs no explanation. It was enough to make me sad. And no, these grey hairs came from DNA, stress, and well, I think that's about it.

4) I just wanted to come by because I have been researching your law school and I cannot wait to go! Me: we don't have a law school...could it have been another school you were thinking about? I will do my best to help you find them...? Kid: ma'am, you need to get more training or something because you don't even know what extra schools your school has on its campus.

**yeah, we don't have a law school...or a med school...or a vet school...

5) what kind of doctor can I be in 4 years?
**not a very good one

6) have you been saved?
**I am catholic. So, no. We have purgatory and confession. I am cool. Besides, why are you asking me? You're a student at a college fair. Ask about majors or the airport that is closest to campus. Good gravy. I wish someone would save me from your stupid line of questioning.

7) are there any Mexican kids on your campus because I can't go to school with Mexicans.
**to be honest, I don't know. This is almost as bad as saying, I will ot drink out of the same water fountain as someone black. I just don't understand. Personally, I love Mexicans! My cousins live in Mexico City and visiting them is always special. I was the wrong person to ask. I didn't mention this to the student because I had a line of families waiting to speak to me. Otherwise, I might have picked his brain. Maybe Mexican kids don't want to go to school with you, dude.

8) wow me, sir. (then he stood there...waiting for a response...or, well, to be "wowed")
**let's start with the obvious. I dislike being called ma'am. Sir is worse. Since I left my wiener at home, can you just call me miss? Lord. Anyway, I am not employed to "wow" you. I am employed to give you facts about this university so that you are able to make an educated decision about the college you would like to attend. Yes, facts can be given with pizzazz (one of my specialties) but don't expect it.

9) I don't even need to talk to you because I am being recruited to play football. Me: wonderful! Kid: can I have the coach's name so I can email him? Me: you're not being recruited, are you? Kid: I will be when he gets my tapes. Me: ok, make sure you're in the clearing house before you email the coach.  Kid: what's that?
**I don't have much to say about this. It is a funny zinger in itself.

10) have you ever had anything embarrassing happen to you at one of these things (things = college fair)? Me: embarrassing like what? Kid: I don't know, like spitting on a kid...or having your boobs popping out or something? Me: nope, and hopefully if anything like that does happen, you will not be on the other end of this table.

**wow, this was my favorite one of the year.

Fellow admissions counselors...do you have any good travel stories? Sure, we all do. Share your favorite below so we can all laugh! 

Happy (and safe) travels, friends! See you all on the road!

I'm back, bitches!

Can I say that? Eh, I don't care. I'm back. I haven't been doing anything. Sometimes, people will say, "oh! I haven't written in AGES because I have been SOOOO BUUUUUSY saving babies in Africa, mining for rubies in Paraguay, teaching baby ducks how to swim, learning my 100th foreign language, and speed dating (hey, it takes time, right?)!!" Nope. Not me. I was not doing any of those things. Bottom line: I am lazy. Plus, I am on Cheeto withdrawal. Seriously, I haven't had once since I started WW. Positive note: no orange fingers. I do hope some of you missed me though.

Big stuff happening around school: Game Day was here! If you know anything about me, you know I don't give 2 shits about college football. I don't understand the hype, the tailgating, the hype, the tailgating (I know I repeated myself)...

Growing up in Connecticut, I like(d) 2 teams: the Hartford Whalers (wah, shedding tears as we speak) and the NY Giants. My mother is the biggest Giants fan I know...really, she is. I think she waited for me to get married to sweet Randy so she could turn my old room into a shrine for her Giants. Bobble head dolls, blankets, a bath mat, footballs, jerseys, all kinds of stuff. She's cool - and does love her some Eli Manning. But who doesn't? As far as the Whalers went, Grant Jennings pretty much walked on water in my book (nose and all). But alas, I live in the south now and things are different. We don't like professional teams and we don't understand hockey. We like college football and baseball teams. Blah. I digress...

I also don't care about/ understand/ enjoy listening to conversations about fantasy football. This isn't real, people. Don't you get that?! If it takes you longer than 30 seconds to come up with a name for your "team", you've already invested too much time into this stupid activity. Maybe you should be spending your time saving babies in Africa and teaching ducklings how to swim.

Speaking of weird ways to spend your time, all my mommy friends out there, have you seen this thing? What a SUPER strange product! Nothing like sucking the snot out of your kid's nose the old-fashioned way: GROSS! You might need a garbage can to throw up into...just a warning.

The college kids are back on campus (duh) because school started (double duh). They are an interesting breed these college kids. Some are still living in high school, "oh my God, Jennifer! I am SO excited that we will be going to the MOVIES tonight!!!" Some are trying to be exactly what they were NOT in high school, "I am not a bookworm! I hate studying and classes are stupid!" Others have found love already (hey, everyone who is anyone will be taken by October...) and many are struggling to choose just one boyfriend ("BOYS ARE SOOO CUTE!! AND THEY ALL LIKE ME!! - eh, they like what you have to offer, they don't necessarily like you). I have learned (by creeping out my window) that it is OK to wear cowboy boots and scarves when it's 100 degrees outside, booty shorts are acceptable class attire, and most college girls don't own a hair dryer - or an alarm clock - take your pick.

Aside from the students being back on campus, dance classes starting up, and college sports and cheer bringing me down, not too much else has been creeping its way into my life lately. My husband bought me a new rug for out living room. It's round (fancy, right?!) and Pip's grass allergies? Yeah...fleas. Exciting times in our house.

Dance is going well. I've got some cute little nuggets this year. If you need a place to send your kid where they will get a great dance education, meet some new friends and have amazing instructors (like me!), consider Dancers Corner. It's an awesome studio in Greenville, SC. Reasonable prices, lots of dance variety and tons of fun. Plus, you'll get to see me once a week. That's a bonus in itself.

Link: courtesy of YouTube. Link in post.